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trying to make some sense of music


to preface, it seems i took another accidental 2 month break. sorry about that lmao

anyway, i'd like to talk about music. it's always been something that has interested me and something very important in my life. i listen to music constantly. i find myself drawing more inspiration for my art out of music than other visual artists sometimes. it's something that just makes sense in my brain in the way that it's just a different type of painting - with sound rather that visual medium - and more drawn out as opposed to a static image.

i've always been able to find a beat in anything, but for some reason whenever i've tried to record a song, it all goes weird in one way or another. i'd love to make music but i feel like there's some kind of a gap in my knowledge or something just won't click and i don't know precisely what it is, but i always feel really out of place in musical spaces.

the only instrument i can play is guitar and i'm a bit mediocre and i have no idea how to use a DAW. there is so much daunting knowledge i would need to take in to pursue music and i don't know if i have enough time or brainspace for it. lyrics are the one thing i can come up with though. they just enter my brain sometimes out of nowhere and i think it would be a shame to put them to waste. i'm starting to figure out how to structure them around a tune.

i would love to make some music somehow. i feel like if i commit to learning how to produce music and get over my anxiety around recording i could make something really cool :) i guess it just comes down to finding the time, energy and confidence.

i hate the internet, but i love it


if you couldn't already tell by this absolute menace of a website, i was raised online. i was first given my own laptop when i was 8 years old and it was a windows xp laptop (which was obsolete, even at the time). it was gifted to me for free by my dad's colleague. for a while, all i used it to do was draw shitty my little pony (everyone in my class liked my little pony im not perculiar) fanart on ms paint.

one day my friend introduced me to a website named scratch where you could make your own video games. i thought that this concept was so incredibly cool and i signed up that evening. thus, i was plunged into the magnetic culture of the online world. since then, it's consumed me.

without a question, i am addicted to the internet. the question is, "do i like the internet?" and the answer is no. i hate the endless mindlessness it breeds and the mind numbing algorithms that are all too present. i hate soulless web design that's bloated with javascript and the lost souls of web devs that runs the web. i hate the cycle of information being gathered and sold and used to make you more addicted and i hate the echo chambers it breeds.

although the internet is a safe haven for me and a great place for me to spread my art and express my creativity, i am aware that the way the internet is moderated makes it extremely unlikely for it to actually aid me in making art a career. it's completely changed the way creatives find a name for themselves. it's just kind of sad.